Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

Sometimes, don't you wish you could forc...er...coerc...umm..."persuade" someone to make a certain New Year's Resolution? Well, miNot QulQulet new, peeps...come menderder down this one with us:

It would be great if someone could make...:

10. Ethiopian men resolve to hang up that lezzer jacket and actually wear warmer clothes through the freezing winter months. It may also be time to hang up the summer lezzer, too, while they're at it. Heck, why stop there? Let's all go for a lezzer-free millennium.

9. US Customs resolve to allow ye'sga weT into the US. True, you might get beshtayitu'n from our meat, but why focus on the negative? It's organic, 99% lean, free-range, free of steroids and Mad Cow disease, and finger-lickin' DELICIOUS. Isti andE guresu'na iyut...bemotE!

8. Waitresses at Ethiopian restaurants resolve to charge us only for what we eat; it's not that we're all too stupid to know when things don't add up -- we're just too CHewa to cause a scene. At least for now...

7. New parents overwhelmed with nostalgia resolve to stop saddling their defenseless newborn children with those retro names. How many times must poor little Zebergachameleh get beat up at the playground, huh?

6. The US Immigration service resolves to give a special fara test to all applicants before issuing any visas -- even tourist ones. The Ethio-fara influx has reportedly been wayyyy exceeded.

5. All Ethiopians across the globe resolve to never again use flimsy crosses mounted on thin cardboard covered in velvet as home decor. Next year we hope to exorcise homes of those NTO posters...and maybe even the plastic-covered furniture.

4. Ethiopian parents resolve to stop spoiling rotten their American-born sdddddddd, balegE kids -- isn't it time to stop compensating for your own yemin-child-abuse-Belew! childhoods?

3. The yelemedu, yetelemedu old geezers at key Ethiopian watering spots agree to frequent some other places and give others a chance! Ere welle-belu! Some of us have been waiting 18 years for an open spot at the bar!

2. Yesterday's CHilo Ethiopians and famed QeCHenE weslatas who come to America and are now "AmariNa reschalehu" poseurs... they gats to go!

1. SELEDA resolves to stop its immature, childish berating of all private school students (all except Sandford, ICS and Lycée graduates. What about Qdus Yosef, we hear you ask¦?? We said private schools.)