Things Ethiopians say to their shrink
... New immigrant: "No sir, this is NOT manifestation of split personality -- There's age, and there's passport age; there's name and there's passport name; there's your childhood and then there's the childhood your immigration lawyer knows about."
... Victim of chronic Depression from Menz: "These Prozac tablets... er... am i to roast and sprinkle them under the adbar shade or am I just to slip them into the leeT buhaqa of my nemesis?"
... Disgruntled husband of a nymphomaniac: "Doctor, I think my wife is possessed. She disagrees with me vehemently on every silly topic. Except when we make love. Then, she agrees vehemently with things I haven't even voiced."
... Dysfunctional male from Wello: "What does my growing up near Afar land have to do with my current impotence?"
... Paranoid schizophrenic from Dessie: "It doesn't marry you what my childhood was like. I KNOW a budha ate me. And ever since, I don't speak, I don't get baked. I've lost knee."
... Disgruntled wife of a control freak: "He keeps reminding me that I am NOT the one wearing the pants, especially when neither of us is wearing anything."
... Disgruntled father: "The only kind of ADD my daughter manifests is of the 'AnCh Dimbazham Dedeb' specimen.
... Victim of the Agaffari Indeshaw syndrome: "I hit the life expectancy for my region of the world six months back, and I've lived in constant terror since."
... A moody Harvard student: "According to my self-diagnosis, the level of serotoninergic neurotransmission in my cranial cavity shows a sinusoidal variation. Therefore, it suggests to me a cotail treatment consisting of a specific sertonin reuptake inhibitor such as Celexa, Zoloft, and Paxil, with a whiff of Luvox, and a sprinkle of Prozac. Would you sign this approval of prescription..."
... A chronic manic-depressive: "Some days, I feel like a regal eagle perched atop the tallest zaff on the Ras Dashen peak. Other days, I feel like a wingless bird crawling along the salt bed of the Dallol Depression. Right now, however, I feel like I've been trapped in the exhuast pipe of the qEra gimat... and you say that's normal?"
... Mengistu Lemma: "You are taping the voices in my head, aren't you!"
... Megistu Hailemariam: "It was when repeated attempts at growing my afro into a shurubba left me with a serious complex, that I put in an order to have every image of Atse Tewodros reworked. And my people lovvvvvvved me. They did. Mn? They did too! Yes, the DID..DID...DID. Shut up. No, YOU shut up. Ato Marx.. Ato Ingles... esti aref beluuu."
... Mary Armde: "It started right around the time I discovered that, owing to my voice, I was developing a reputation as the first ethiopian gay male singer."
... Qiddus Yared: "Er.... sorry, attention WHAT?"
... Aster Aweke: "First, they said I was alqasha. Then, they said I was giggly. And now, they're saying... hold on a minute, doctor, I need to step out to the restroom... (blow kisses and exits room. 'I love youuuu all, dokterishkn')"
... Paulos NoNo: "Wait, doctor, what do you mean a freaky obsession with freaks of nature?"
... Fatuma Roba: "Before, they used to stand at the top of heartbreak hill and wave a sign that said 'yiChalal'. This year, they stood at the finish line holding a sign that threatend, 'yisharal."
... Ephraim Tamiru: "Narcissistic? No, doctor. I've been the epitome of humbleness since the release of MY latest album, which you must've heard of. It sold 1, 234, 567 copies in 52 states and 213 countries and brought me much acclaim as the best Ethiopian singer living in the DC area and answering to the name 'Ephraim'."
... Wegayehu Nigatu: "I'm all for moderation -- one drink per ego. But you see, I inherit the ego of every character I take on. Now, I've even taken on characters that had multiple personalities. So, every night, I have one drink for each (burp) of my alter (hic) egoes..."