So, last time I checked, I was faring well with the six out of the seven deadly
sins. You know: pride, envy, avarice, gluttony, anger, covetousness. But without
any surprise, the last one, lust, the one that guarantees a spot in a boiling
pot somewhere in the nether regions of Satan's abode, is the one I have a major
problem with. It is the one sin I succumb to and try to give myself over to
completely. After all, what kind of a God puts the most deliciously gratifying
thing in our face and expects us to follow complicated rules or strongly recommends
that we not touch?
Reflecting back to when I reached the dawn of a new state of mind following
a period in my life marked by confusion, I am glad now that I feel settled and
have acquired a new sense of clarity about lust that I had not had before. Maybe
glib on my part, but my reference to clarity may be construed as justification
of my shortcomings and the shortcomings of society… as well as my attempt
to quell the turmoil caused by contradictions and hypocrisies of the social
order within my mind.
Actually, it is not just a justification but also an acceptance to obey my propensities
endowed to me by Mother Nature. The shortcomings (no pun intended here), the
contradictions, the restrictions, the social pressures, the taboos and the justifications
are all part of the story of a repressed, horny Ethiopian apprentice of life,
who went on a journey to differentiate between love and sex.
With that said, let me go back to the time just before the end of my troubled
years. Back then I was a dejected fellow always contemplating the rights and
wrongs of the world, always wondering why I feel what I feel for the opposite
Then, all of a sudden, my long pondering came to an end with a realization
that was profound… at least to me. I pulled the wool that was over my eyes
and finally came to terms with infidelity and lust. They have always been part
of humanity right there from the beginning of time, concealed and disguised
in layers of religious edicts and fabricated social norms. Ok, it might not
sound like an "eureka" moment, but I want you to understand that the
simplicity in accepting lust and infidelity as natural entities is truly a liberating
experience. So I urge you to become and an apostate for a moment and take a
plunge with me and indulge the world.
Here we go…
Not unlike the framers of the US constitution who understood the importance
of separation of church and state, it is very crucial to understand the separation
of Love and Sex. The two must be considered two unique entities. In other words,
emotions that come with relationships, love, etc… should be independent
of the pleasures generated by intercourse. Everybody knows that love is long
lasting and deep. It is the connection between individuals of the highest level.
It is more of a spiritual joining that is beyond the physical world.
Sex, on the other hand, is nothing but the icing on the cake. It would be nice
to have good sex with the one you love but there are numerous circumstances
where love is sustained without sex. So why do people make sex such a freaking
Ok… calm down…
Now allow me to assume that sex is not a big deal… With that established,
consider this scenario. Your most loved one was gulled by lust and had sex with
another individual, who he/she does not love. What would be your response? Are
you going be deranged by jealousy and go on a rampage or are you going to calm
down, analyze the situation logically and forgive your mate full heartedly?
Yes, you'd be deranged. It's the common response considering that in moments
like this, our thinking is clouded by emotions.
One thing to remember: decisions based on emotions have led many a fool to
great depression, embarrassment or even a trip to the slammer, or, even worse,
six feet under. But if one evolves beyond petty emotional BS, then sex is nothing
but a source of pleasure. No more horrid than eating a Snickers candy bar.
Lust on many levels, is the opposite of love. It is like the beautiful fireworks
in the night. You see the bright colored flashes rise up to the sky and explode,
and then, just like it came so suddenly it disappears in the night. It doesn't
last long, and you know if it did last longer it wouldn't be fun.
And that's why committed and married people have secret one-night stands and
impromptu sex when the opportunity provides. But in the whole scheme of things,
the feeling of love is most likely unaffected. It is all about the hit and run
baby. For guys, it is a futile battle to restrain the third leg. It is known
to have its own head which is usually more coercive than the one carried on
our shoulders. Females, on the other hand, are more illusive with their physical
manifestation of their emotion and therefore appear much better at restraint.
However, I am not going to pretend to be an expert in female psychology or for
that matter their physiology. So I am not going to get into it.
However, when it comes to the male species, how many of our fathers have cheated
on our moms? Tell me how many of those bars in Addis are really brothels? How
many of us met our half sibling at our father's funeral for the first time…
the list goes on. That is how the story went since time immemorial, and it will
persist long after we are gone. So no matter how much we sweep it under the
rug, sexual infidelity will always exist.
It might be crazy, but I am advocating regression of the humane psyche back
to our animal ancestors at least in terms of sex and start using our medulla
oblongata more than our frontal lobs. For a change, be more like dogs…
huh? Ok, that might be a little too extreme but we don't even have to go that
far in the evolutionary scale. Just look at our recent ancestors… like
our grandfathers. I am talking about the first half of the twentieth century
people. Whats up with the CHn gered and wushima, and the generous spilling of
zer, all at the timid consent of our grandmothers…
I know, I know with all the patriarchal system, women being powerless and all,
but still… if you look at our society as a whole, it seems like they tolerated
the basic undying human need to mate and understood the principle of the separation
of Love and Sex. I mean are we losing our senses when we are becoming more "civilized",
"westernized" and "individualized"? Are we becoming more
inclined to be more physically possessive of others? What is going on?
Anyway, one thing I am sure of, for all you females out there, when you get
into relationships I would say at least 99.9% of the men will at some point
consider cheating on you. If your mate doesn't, then he probably belongs in
a monastery or he is an absolute faker. So I say, instead of denying it in our
society and our personal lives, we should embrace it and accept it as a truth.
When we realize Sex and Love are separate, we can move forward and add understanding
to the whole mix. If love is truly the highest form of connection between two
individuals then they should rise above extra-marital lusting and adultery.
That is how true love is tested. That, of course, is assuming that there is
some responsibility and that no one is bringing back any disease.
So accepting the fact that cheating is eminent in most relations, the thing
to do is to stop fighting it and allow it to exist so it can easily be managed
and regulated much like alcohol, drugs and prostitution.
Fighting against infidelity and lust is much like the U.S' war against drugs,
it is futile no matter what restriction and measures the government, institutions
and the society impose on its people.