Our bosses were witheringly dismissive about our inquiries into why a gigantic painting of über corporate majrat mechi Ken Lay was suddenly placed in our boardroom. Throughout editorial meetings, they kept menacingly glancing at the canvass and slooooowly nodding their heads the way they do when our comptroller asks for the receipts for the "miscellaneous" items in their expense reports.
Whhhhoooowat? What? What does it all mean? Believe us, we here at SELEDA are already ravenously swathed in conspiracy theories (we know who killed Kennedy and disco), so it don't take much to get us worked up into a foamy lather of innuendo and alubalta.
For a few weeks there the tkus werE was that was that Ato Ken "eski mnew bitewut" Lay is SELEDA's Kristna Abat... that upper management, in what was a touching gesture of thanks-for-being-born, bequeathed Seleda.com and all its properties (which, incidentally, includes all editors and staff writers) to Lij Ken at the last annual SELEDA "giggle!" Humanitarian Awards.
Frankly, we found the prospect of being chattel to an even more notoriously sinister gudeNa not too magnificently demeaning because that meant that there are others (in this case them Enron workers) who ranked above us in Fortune's "Five Worst Oppressed Workers" list. We call this the "Lekass lElam Ale" method of boosting one's ego. When you are us, you find comfort wherever you can, ladies and gentlemen.
Alas, our sanguinity was shorter than ye mengst tmhrt bEt's third shift. According to the "kefitachihu y'neTleN" water cooler rumor spread by the assistant to the assistant of upper management's Chief Ij AstaTabi, it is Ken who is an apprentice of our very own upper management... that he's naming them as character witnesses in all upcoming trials/congressional hearings, "may there be many". Not only that, but Kenny-boy was not even their best student... his business frailty so aptly demonstrated by the fact that he only managed to sell just a few billion dollars worth of stock during the blackout. Qeshm! But, the story goes, even with such blatant incompetence, upper management is sticking with their protégé... "For a C-student, he did ok."
Ok... so what do we do with all the "At least I don't work at Enron" T-shirts and coffee mugs, and "Hey, baby... let me do to you what Enron did to its stockholders" screensavers?
Welcome to the Sex Issue, SELEDAwiyan!
As the denizen of SELEDA's biggest shrine put it, "I am looking for Mr. Tk'kl not just Mr. Tkl". We braced to be impressed by this month's contents, and we should have braced tighter because, as Merigeta Dinberru Bedilu used to put it, "EstomakE aychlm!"
First tingatingoch first... an adoring emmmpphoowa-essssssseyiii! to all our contributors who... who... tikilllll-ed us one after another with their brilliant take on matters of gbre sga. Once again we fall deeper into the debt gudwad. We continue to be amazed, humbled and honored that wordsmiths of this caliber continue to grace our little forum. One day we will be able to adequately express our gratitude, our friends. Thank you for your humanity.
Second tingating, we hope you enjoy this month's offerings-the provocative, the humorous, the "ahun esti mn y'balal". It was not an easy subject for us to broach... mostly because we don't know nuthin' about it... but, it was one we wanted to dare broach--tastefully yet honestly. We hope we don't disappoint.
So, what's new at SELEDA?
You mean besides the yummilicious new look we debuted last month? Oh... naaateeeinnng! Thank you to all who noticed our facelift. Our webmassa's muse, as highly strung as any muse can get, finally burst through several layers of quTa and kurfia to deliver this masterpiece. We hope to keep improving at least our look since we've basically given up on the possibility of actually saying anything the least bit qum-negerish any time soon. As always, we are open to suggestions on how to make mengelaweding through these SELEDA pages a little more pleasant.
Oh, yes... we heard from the SELEDA guy on our logo, who is all bristly about constantly being referred to as "the SELEDA guy". (Mskeen neger... if he only knew what upper management calls him after they wore out "Ya Tuncha Rass".) Hence, we've decided to have a "Name the SELEDA Guy" contest. Please send in your suggestions to email@example.com. We'll publish the ones worthy of mention, and one grand prize winner shall be the recipient of a SELEDA T-shirt. Yes, we use the word "winner" with the phrase "SELEDA T-shirt" very apprehensively. Mn mareg ychalal? We look forward to getting your entries. Have a valid email address if you want us to contact you lest you "win".
The search continues to secure ourselves a permanent correspondent from Ethiopia. Really, wegenochachin, surely there must be one person there whom we have not offended and who could entertain the possibility that we are, underneath all this literary shr gud, upstanding citizens who don't drink (outrageously) and who don't stab each other in the back (daily)? We are SELEDA... we put the "fun" in dysfunctional; the "men" in demented; the "b'lashh" in blash-phemy; the "sd" in "sd-nbab". (Aside: get ourselves a PR agent while we are at it.) So, calling all writers from Ethiopia. Note: those who have vast experience in moogt, ashmoor and mamtatat given preference.
Upcoming issues... Get a hold of yourself and amuse the muse... March will be our "Depression and Ecstasy" issue. And despite the confusion, we don't mean the you-can-routinely-buy-it-at-the-SELEDA-Intern's-Cafeteria- for-10-bucks-a-pop-Mondays-and-Wednesdays-between-4-and 4:21-a.m. kind of Ecstasy. Abo! We mean the cerebral, physical endorphins which make you float on air. Hmmm.... now that we think of it, it could mean the you-can-routinely-buy-it-at-the-SELEDA-Intern's-Cafeteria- for-10-bucks-a-pop-Mondays-and-Wednesdays-between-4-and 4:21-a.m. kind of Ecstasy. But, go ahead and tell us about pre-finals CHat fersho at AAU; regale us with the outrageous tales of your uncle Wendimiye whose stories used to make you high... Vent about your loss and despair, and the triumph from coming back the brink of hell... Share your million stories of simple pleasures from your last sojourn back home. The deadline for submissions is February 15... the 16th if you've ever drunk bong water.
April will be our el grande third anniversary issue... Is it even possible that we have kept up this charade for three whole years? M'Ts. Mekari maTat! It will be our Ethiopia Issue, where we will pay tribute to she who is Ethiopia... she who vexes, tempts, heals, toys with and embraces our psyche. We hope you will help us in making this berzday issue one we can show our parents to finally get some approval. Submissions accepted until March 15. March 16th if you still remember the words to "Hbretesebawinet".
Okkk, we gotta go. HR just called us all in for a "Year-end update on SELEDA employees stock --tee hee-- options meeting". Tee hee-ih? Ere d'dachew yrgeff! This we have to see.
Drop us a note. We love hearing from you even though none of you has as of yet offered us a decent sized bribe we can even boast about at employee stock options review meetings. Gffachihu inde injera inatachihu!
Selam inihun, SELEDAmoch.
The Humble Editors.