SELEDA Interviews the Chairman of the newly organized,
Universally United To Aristrocratize Young Ethiopians (UUTAYé), Inc.

SELEDA:   And UUTAYé is necessary to young Ethiopians, why?

UUTAYé:   Is air necessary? Is water necessary?

S:  

U:   Aristocracy is going to be the air and water of the "new" UUTAYé Ethiopians. Except they will be drinking Evian and breathing purified air through custom made masks.

S:   Uh?

U:   It is all about taking us as a people a notch higher. You have good teeth, by the way. Are you related to Ras Hulumyante Demsisachew?

S:   I'm afraid not…

U:   Too bad. Great fellow. Fabulous teeth. He was the rightful owner of all of Gojam. His son went to Exeter with us.

S:   Oki doc. A lot of people think that maybe the whole aristocracy thing is, well, a little…

U:   Recherché? Turgid? Ponderous?

S:   Well…

U:   Unaccommodating? Cliquish?

S:   Er…

U:   Exclusive? Impenetrable?

S:   Nuts. People think it's nuts.

U:   Ah. The old nuts argument. Charming. Those people are not true God-fearing Ethiopians.

S:   How so?

U:   God loves UUTAYé. He IS a UUTAYé.

S:   No way!

U:   So wa-aye! He told us so at the last Board meeting. So, in effect, those who try to derail UUTAYé are unfortunate, Godless dimwits.

S:   Wow. So what makes one qualify as an UUTAYé?

U:   There are no qualifications, per se. You just know if you are an UUTAYé or not. What is it that the Americans say about pornography? "We can't define it, but we know it when we see it" No? An unfortunate metaphor, but an appropriate one, nonetheless. UUTAYé is in one's blood. It's not as if one can BECOME one. We don't have physical marks on us which set us apart. Although some people say we are all exceptionally beautiful people… big eyes, selkaka afnCHa, qei dama …

S:   Any Teyim assa mesais in your group?

U:   Fortunately not.

S:   So, what exactly is the purpose of the UUTAYé?

U:   The creeds and aspirations we have are plenty. We are trying not to pigeonhole our endeavors into one particular hub. But, in general, our prevalent ambition is to bring back fabulousness to Ethiopia. When we feel fabulous, we become fabulous.

S:   Fabulousness?? But amidst poverty and hunger and pandemic that…

U:   You know why we are plagued with all those?

S:   Because there…

U:   Because there is no fabulousness.

S:   What?!

U:   We have, in essence, made fabulousness enemy number one in Ethiopia. Shame, shame, shame. Do you know one fabulous person who is poor? Sick?

S:   As a matter of fact…ye-e-ah…

U:   No you don't. You know why?

S: Because fabulous Ethiopian people in UUTAYé don't get sick or bankrupt?

U:   Bingo! Are you sure you are not a descendant of Merid-Azmatch FileTachew's? He was smart, too. Grandpoppy went to Harvard with him.

S: I don't think he's a relation. It says here in the constitution of UUTAYé that you are the righteous leaders of the future Ethiopia. How do you plan to accomplish that?

U:   Through equality, love and fairness.

S:   But, isn't the concept of aristocracy the opposite of that credo?

U:   Absolutely not! We treat everyone with the same love and kindness. As our parents used to say, "We love our servants equally and we are kind to people who are not like us."

S:   How much support do you think you will have for UUTAYé from average Ethiopians?

U: Who?

S:   Average Ethio…never mind. So, have you set up UUTAYé offices in Ethiopia?

U: We're working on it. Our treasurer's grandfather is the rightful owner of all of Illubabour, so we might head there. Have you ever been there? Lovely place, Illubabour. Potential to be a very trendy address, you understand? Lovely people, too. We are sure they will understand when we tell them to all move somewhere else.

S:   Call us crazy, but there are a lot of people out there who don't take the whole right of birth thing so lightly. How do you propose…

U:   You are crazy!

S:   … to address that issue?

U:   You are very crazy.

S:   So if you and your supporters are the "true" Ethiopians, what are the rest of the people?

U:   We call them Ethio-peons. We were going to call them Ethio-lites, but our vice-chairman vetoed it. His great uncle is the rightful owner of the Bonga-Nazret-Kibre Mengist triangle. And Ethiopeons has a certain…respect. Do you agree?

S:   So, you are respectful even when you denigrate?

U:   Or, we denigrate because we are respectful. It's all in how you see things. I have to tell you this, you can pass for Enderassé Belindiya Ziqargachew's great grandchild. You have the same eyebrows.

S:   You're kidding!

U:   Oh, dear magazine person, we never kid about Enderassé Belindiya. He was the rightful owner of a good part of Shewa and the fabulous part of Harergé. His only daughter married a non- UUTAYé. Broke his heart. Huge scandal. Keeled over one day. Bam! He was gone.

S:   So I assume you all don't marry outside the UUTAYé circle?

U:   Correct. And not because we are being, as some are quick to label us, snobs, you understand. It's just that the adjustment to UUTAYésm from Ethiopeonsm is dreadful on an untrained person's psyche. Darn near impossible. Why put anyone (even an Ethiopeon) through the rigmarole? Our motto is: "If you love an Ethiopeon; free, free, set them free… If they come back, have Father's second brigade shoot them down."

S:   Whaa..?

U:   Ha ha. A little joke. A curious musing, if you may. A droll aphorism, if you shall. A comical chronicle, don't you think? We don't have people shot. Anymore. Not in the last several years. Not that I know of.

S:   Hm. It also says here that you all are ardent philanthropists. What are some of the projects you are working on?

U:   We are tireless in trying to find ways to assist our people. Our biggest initiative to date is our new Deconstructing and Initiating Neo/Quasi Ethiopeoans to Modernity (DINQEM) scholarship program. It is quite an endeavor.

S:   How so?

U:   We have established 15-year long DINQEM scholarships for five deserving and underprivileged (the two concepts are not always synonymous) Ethiopeons. The program will help acclimate the chosen ones to the nuances of UUTAYé, which they will join as honorary members, IF they pass the board exams—written and oral.

S:   So a bulk of your philanthropy is helping five people every fifteen years?

U:   Rather ambitious. We know. But doable. Very doable. But noblesse oblige. It must be done so that God can love them like we love them.

S:   So you are just helping God?

U:   Indeed. Mind you, He is still ubiquitous and almighty. We are just making it easier for him to be so.

S:   What does honorary membership mean exactly?

U:   Essentially, a little bit of this… a little bit of that.

S:   Could one marry an UUTAYé after 15 years of training?

U:   Good heavens, no! And… we hope you understand, we mean that in the nicest way possible.

S:   Could one socialize with UUTAYés?

U:   Let's not quibble over details…it's indecorous. An honorary member will be held in high esteem…

S:   …as long as he or she doesn't aspire to marry one of you?

U:   Tish tosh. When you say it so harshly, you almost make it seem…excessive. It's not so bad. Really.

S: Actually, it sounds …

U:   You, for example, could make a splendid specimen as an honorary member. Have Agafari Banjaw Kifetew give you an application on your way out.

S:   I don't think…

U:   You should. Your hair. Very much resembles the texture of Wagshum Getachew DamTachew Qelbisachew's people. His aunt was the rightful owner of all of Welega and that little part of Shewa no one cares about. We went to the School of Economics with her third cousins.

S:   It's not…

U:   You're still young. Fifteen years from today, who knows… you might be sitting here being interviewed by a combative wurgaT teeny-bopper 'zine with a petulant interviewer. Wouldn't that be fabulous? Hmm?

S:   WurgaT??

U:   We mean that in the nicest way possible, you understand.